Drilling advances

	Vol. 228 No. 5
LES SKINNER, PE, CONTRIBUTING EDITOR

How to drill a well. In the continuing quest to relate as much information to less-experienced oilfield hands as possible before the "crew change" we offer this literary nugget to driller wannabes everywhere, especially to our politicians. Many of them have decided that they can actually drill wells and produce their country's reserves without dealing with Big Oil. So, this is how a politician might go about drilling a well (in his/her own words):

"First, get a lease�preferably one offshore where the reserves are higher. Offer a large bonus for the tract�it actually doesn't cost anything, since the government owns all the leases anyway. It's just a matter of moving money from one pocket to another. Granted, it is a net zero cash transaction, but who cares? Offer lots of money and it will raise the value of the offset tracts so we'll make it up in the future.

"Next, contract a drilling rig. Get a big one since we don't know how deep to drill the well. Mobilize the rig and start drilling immediately. Get the Ministry of Information to publish our plans and try to get all the good press we can!

"Oops. You mean we need a permit to drill? Who issues those? Oh, the Ministry of Public Lands. Can't we get around this requirement? Who passed that stupid law, for crying out loud? Oh, we did?

"Release the rig; pay for the demobilization and the early termination penalty. It's only a few million dollars.

"Obtain a permit. Hire a contractor that specializes in getting permit applications through the Ministry of Public Lands quickly. Spend another million or two. How long will this take? What do you mean, six months! Can't it be done faster?

"OK, six months is up. Contract a drilling rig. Get a big one. Mobilize the rig and start drilling immediately. Let's do the press thing again.

"What is this stuff about an Environmental Impact Statement (EIS)? We already have a permit. Oh, we don't?

"Hire a consulting firm and start working on the EIS. Get one with a worldwide reputation as being thorough and highly professional with lots of high-caliber scientists. Pay another four or five million. Get with the Ministry of Information to release our plan about the environmental thing, so our neighbors will know how green we are.

"How long will this take? WHAT! Two years! Two years before we can get a permit to drill on our own lease? Oh well, I suppose we must follow our own rules, but this is sure getting frustrating. What else is needed?

"Seismic data? What's that? So, the Ministry of Petroleum wants to see our geophysical and geological workup to ensure that the well is being drilled in the right place. Well, there has just got to be oil and gas under the entire tract, otherwise why would they lease it out for drilling?

"Hire a seismic boat and a whole bunch of consulting geophysicists and geologists to analyze the new data and all the stuff from offset wells. This will probably cost another 4�6 million. This drilling thing is getting real expensive. No worry; we'll just print some more money to cover the cost.

"Contract a rig. Let's get a smaller one this time. It's too expensive to use that big rig, so we'll just get a small rig this time and save some money. Mobilize the rig to the site. What site, you ask? I don't know, ask the geologists.

"Now we're making progress. We finally got our permit; the EIS was accepted; we've got our seismic data and it has all been analyzed. Here's a piece of good news, the geophysicists found a possible structure. Oh, joy! We can start drilling immediately, can't we?

"Oh, it's at 30,000 ft and our rig is only good for 20,000 ft. Well, hmmm. I just knew we shouldn't have contracted that little rig. Who is responsible for that error? Well, find someone and put them in prison, whether they are guilty or not! Somebody has got to pay for this mistake!

"Release the rig and pay the early termination penalty. Demobilize it and look for a bigger one. Then, mobilize the big rig and start drilling.

"You mean we need a revised well design? Who does that? Oh, drilling engineers. Well, get a consulting firm and put them to work on this. Use a firm in-country, so we can save some money. What? They're all busy! Well, just pay them a premium fee to redesign our well. That will only cost another $2�3 million.

"Place the rig on standby and wait on the revised well design for a deep well. Pay standby charges on rig, supply vessels, standby boats, helicopters, personnel and catering. This should only cost another million or so!

"Start drilling. No? Why not! All right, OK. Revise the blasted permit and expedite the thing. Pay another week on standby charges. Call the Ministry of Public Lands and chew him out. Threaten him with prison if he doesn't get that permit ready now!

"Start drilling. Casing! What casing!! Nobody said we needed to order casing! Expedite the casing delivery and pay a premium for the pipe, wellhead, float equipment, tree, packer and tubing. Cement? OK, order that too and pay the premium on it. How much have we spent so far on this darn thing?

"Oh, nuts! A dry hole! Well, at least we didn't let Big Oil take advantage of us. Now we know where the bad spot is located, so all the surrounding tracts must be good, right? That means we should expect much higher bonuses on them, and it only cost us $257 million to prove them up. I'll bet the voting public will recognize this venture as money well spent�once it's explained to them, of course. That should get us re-elected at least twice!"

So, there it is�the way a politician would drill an offshore well. One must admire the efficiency and straight-forwardness of their plan�it is typical of everything else they do. If you like the way politicians work, you'll love the way they drill wells.

This only proves that there is hope for us in energy self-sufficiency. If the government can drill wells this easily, we can depend on having all the fuel and chemical feedstocks we could possibly ever need. Go get 'em, politicians! Don't let those free-loading oil companies make obscene profits off us any longer! We can look forward to cheap fuel forever. After all, if they can drill wells this easily, surely they can operate them cheaply...right?